Sunday night, I began re-watching The Black Cauldron on Disney+. Within the first quarter-hour, Taryn talks about how he wants to be the greatest warrior Prydain has ever known, to become their champion, and then he’s assigned the task of keeping Henwen the seer pig safe. His purpose is clearly laid out before him and then his actions the rest of the movie are defined by and stem from that calling.
I guess I’ve had this mindset (possibly from Disney but also from reading books) that one day, a quest would be thrust upon me and I would know without a doubt that it was my purpose to overcome the challenge or defeat the villain or complete the adventure.
Yesterday, I did the Yoga with Adriene practice for the day, and she asks, “What do you want to be a champion of?”
This morning, I was doing my daily Tarot reading and drew the Five of Fire, for which my companion book includes as part of the meaning description the phrase, “rise up as a true champion” and “rise above frustration with a level head, leading by example.”
I’ve been very frustrated with my (seemingly sole) superpower of self-sabotage lately. Even when I think I’m starting to feel like I’m living into a greater purpose in this world, I eventually talk myself out of the initial excitement or energy or motivation by not taking the steps or actions towards my dreams and instead always saying, “What’s the point?”
Anything I say I want to do or that I’m going to do or committing to doing is inevitably cursed, because I then won’t let myself achieve it. It makes no sense, but it’s the struggle I’m most familiar with.
After embarking upon NaNoWriMo, I immediately started thinking, “Is writing a novel even what I truly want to be doing? If it was, wouldn’t I be waking up every day excited to write my book?” Instead, I woke up every day feeling like I wanted to outline a completely different plot and ended November not even sure if I wanted to write a novel, a memoir, creative non-fiction, personal essays, or just focus on being a blogger.
So, what do I want to be a champion of? Right now, I think I need to champion the chasing of my passions and playing by my own rules to figure out exactly how I want to use writing as my purpose.
And, as I figure it out, all I’m committing–no, suggesting to myself–to do is one blog post per workday, to first establish a regular writing-then-publishing habit.